Thinking recently about the term “typical”, particularly in relation to phrases like, “he’s a typical (insert appropriate age here) year old.”  I’ve been thinking about it because our son is nine years old, almost ten, actually, and I sometimes wonder what that is supposed to mean.  He’s always been something of a mix of ages in behavior and attitude and thought…sometimes younger, sometimes much older than his chronological age.  But that’s not what got me thinking about it.

What got me thinking was this: something he’s always liked to do is dress up like his real-world heroes. Police officers, firefighters, paramedics (and some less hero-like, but fascinating to him like tree cutters, National Grid electrical workers, DPW, construction and demolition). He’d gear up all the time, and to this day rarely leaves the house as his regular self.  Today it was a firefighter, made all the more fun and exciting because the guys at our fire station gave him a set of real gear. We’ve been visiting regularly since he was four, and they are watching him grow up, and learning about what they do; being his age and knowing now more about the equipment, the apparatus and the work than some of the rookies, they’ve taken him under their wing and encourage is fascination. So, as we were getting ready to go to the garden center he asked if he could wear his turnout gear.  I hesitate sometimes, but can rarely think of a good enough reason to say no.

So there he was, lumbering out to the car in full firefighter gear – pants, boots, coat, helmet – and suddenly I thought, “Hrm…he’s nine.  Shouldn’t he be outgrowing this dress-up thing?” Well, anytime I hear myself use words like “should” and “ought” the red flags go up because it means I’m referring to some kind of standard that is usually not my own. I don’t know any other nine year old that would gear up this way. Not of the public school variety, anyway. And I started to wonder, is our child that unique? Is he that out-of-the-box? We know he’s incredibly imaginative and has a vivid and rich inner life. He has always turned to his hero archetypes for confidence and self-worth and strength. Is he too old for that now? What does that mean, anyway?

Then I had a thought. I think most traditionally-schooled boys of this age would never consider dressing up not because they are too old for it developmentally or chronologically, but because socially they have been sent the message of what’s cool, how to fit in, how to behave to avoid teasing, hassles and everything else that goes with being this age in a traditional school setting. But our son doesn’t have that experience. While he’s around groups of homeschool friends, there is no judgment from them, no hassles, nothing to make him think twice about something he loves to do and ways he loves to play. They accept it and him freely.  Sometimes there are questions, “Why are you wearing that?” and he’s learned to answer confidently and honestly, “Because it’s fun,” “Because I really like paramedics,” etc. and that settles it. He hasn’t been ostracized, hasn’t been pushed to squelch the desire, or question it or feel guilty or strange. I’m not certain the same could be said if he were in a different social environment.

That then led me to the thought: “Is it possible that in fact he is showing the true age of nine years old? At least a true age – one not tainted by peer pressure, outside judgment or attitudes, but rather, a pure, real, true version of a nine year old. One still full of rich imagination, inner story-telling and fantasy exploration of himself, the world and his potential. One not thrown into doubt or uncertainty by signals from without or a large social structure full of pressure to belong, fit-in and not stand out.

I don’t know. Maybe not. Maybe I’m looking too deeply into it. But I don’t really think so. Kids in school face so much, deal with so much so early and the pressures from peer groups are strong. They are surrounded by those forces every day, away from guiding/assisting parents and helpful support structures. It’s not that homeschool kids don’t spend time among just their peers, but the honest truth is our experience so far is that our peers are different. They are less subject to outside influence, they are more supportive and accepting of one another, more tolerant of differences and welcoming of many.  Before I get tromped for generalizing, I’m not saying this is true of all public school kids. I’m not saying all the friends we have whose kids attend public school are not tolerant and accepting. I am saying that I wonder how much their behavior or levels of “maturity” or their throwing off of “younger” play is a result of social pressures – be it conscious or unconscious – to be a certain way by a certain age. Because our son certainly continues to simply be who he is and play how he likes and do what he loves because there is no one around to tell him he can’t or shouldn’t, that it’s not cool, or it’s silly.

I just wonder how much that’s the case for others. Which begs the question, “What does it really mean to ‘act their age’?”  I kind of think that our son is a real ‘typical nine year old’, and maybe others are being robbed of some of the whimsy and freedom of their younger years. Again, maybe not.

But for us, I will continue to encourage our son to act his (real) age. Not a pressurized, socialized one.